Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Chortage

A sensation fills the mouth, a unique sensation that brings pleasure and question. Long and thick both describe the foreign Spanish Castile horn that is playing games in your mouth. A ridged crust is caressed with sweet natural sugars and filled with a delicious gew. Welcome to the Churro.

In my recent travels I have experienced a great variety of cuisine. From exotic Indian curries to Hungarian gulyas, but the Churro has captured my heart. Upon extensive research and with the help of arguably the best legal team in the city of Duchesne, I have come to the conclusion that there is a major Churro shortage in the state of Utah. This pandemic is of grave concern to the Obama administration and has been labeled: The Chortage.

To further the extent of the Chortage travesty, the Administration has reportedly channeled 13.5 million dollars of the stimulus package to the ailing Churro industry of Utah. Though it will not create any addition jobs and will install a new tax on the usage of public restroom toilet paper, this blank check will guide the failing Churro market through a government controlled bankruptcy. We, as citizens of the Beehive state, are promised 1/3,000,000 of the Churro market's current value due to our loyalty to the government.

With this encouraging economic outlook, the patrons of Utah's Churro establishment are encouraged to go to the only major location in the state that hosts the Churro - Lagoon. The entrance fee is a riveting $240.93 (tax included) simply to enter the great establishment. You will then discover the hard to find Churro located at three inconvenient locations throughout the park. Be prepared to pay $13.00 (tax not included) for a 3 inch Churro, it is a delicacy.

Upon biting the tubed pastry, please remember to call Senator Orrin Hatch at 1-800-CHU-RROS and let him know that you support the stimulus spending to secure our endangered Churro population and that you are thrilled to pay the $0.78 per square of public toilet paper tax to ensure the continual protection of our Churros in this the Chortage.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Unifier

The huge parking lot presents rows of parked cars. Thousands of dollars have been spent on these cars, each unique. These vehicles represent many walks of life. Wal-Mart, the great unifier of Cadillac and Nissan.

Upon entering the finger printed sliding doors, a gust of warm hits the face. It is not a natural smell that accompanies the warmth, but one filled with electricity and manufactured purity. A friendly woman with a wrinkled face, lopsided pink rimmed glasses, and a plastered on smile greets all those who enter. This woman is an unbiased intermediary and equalizer between the Cadillac drivers and the Nissan owners.

The entry way rugs are filthy and damp from the hundreds of slush covered shoes or sweaty thonged feet. A bright yellow stand up sign warned patrons of the slippery floors. The floors of the store look cleaner and more white the farther one proceeds into the store. Towers of boxes are flanked by row upon row of merchandise. The items for sale are only half as interesting as those who are purchasing them.

Individuals of all walks of life, brought to one center of society where they are all equals.

Equals. The woman in an over sized t-shirt and pajama pants stands next to the middle-aged man in a crisp business suit smelling of rum. One box of cereal was taken by a Caucasian, the next a Hispanic. A random Asian will catch the same communicable disease that his neighboring obese white child will contract. The lover, the hater. The blind, the deaf. The academic, the infant. They all stand together in a long checkout line waiting to drive home in their Cadillac or Nissan.

Wal-Mart, the great unifier, equality of life.