Saturday, August 28, 2010

My Own Bathsheba

David of Old, he who pummeled the vertical over achiever, Goliath, found himself king of all Israel. One night, Dave was strolling about his lofty palace rooftop and "from the roof he saw a woman washing herself, and the woman was very beautiful to look upon." (2 Samuel 11:2) This yummy morsel was known as Bathsheba. One thing led to another and soon Bath was heavy with Davey's baby.

Current pop culture would have us believe that you must have been spotted fornicating upon a rooftop to be anybody now a days in Hollywood. However, in my recently acquired hobby of installing steel roofs, I do not recommend doing any strenuous activity upon any rooftop. In fact, I, like my fellow psalm writer, have spied my own Bathsheba from atop a roof.

My Bathsheba must have forgotten to read her Old Testament, as she came out onto the adjacent porch in nothing but a skimpy bikini clinging to her 93 year old not-so-beautiful body. I tried to categorize her body type as she waved at me, her arm flab flapping in the wind. She did not fit the ectomorph, mesomorph or endomorph body types, but instead mastered the old pear body type featuring fairly small shoulders that descend into well rounded out hips and a rotting bottom.

The sun reflecting off her glowing white skin caught my eyes like the flashes of the paparazzi cameras documenting the lusty rooftop affair. I was stunned by the public display of wrinkled flesh. But to relieve your churning stomach, I withstood my Davidic temptations, as strong as they were, and giggled my way down the ladder. With each downward step I lost any chance to getting my name in the headlines, but at least there won't be a chapter in 2 Samuel describing my adultry with that aged angel.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Public Restrooms: Turd Terrorism

Public restrooms were created as a center for those seeking sanctuary from the pressures of their bowels. Dating back to the early Babylonian empire, public restrooms are an important piece of our hygiene history. Though they have relieved the heavy burdens of our bowels, public restrooms have never been given a great place of reverence in our society's heart. Dr. Bindeswar Pathak, Ph.D., D.Litt. presented the following explanation of poop's unpopular position at the International Symposium on Public Toilets held in Hong King, "Unlike body functions like dance, drama and songs, defecation is considered very lowly."

Thanks to Dr. Pathak, we now know that pooping, like dancing and singing, is an under appreciated talent. From the first few moments on the stage of life to our closing acts before the curtain falls, poop is a part of us. However, like any athletic activity, pooping requires skill and a life time of practice. The public restroom system, unfortunately, has become the practice field for pooping.

We have all rushed into a restroom with nothing but a prayer in our heart that an empty stall awaits us. But when we find that chance vacant porcelain throne, 9 out of 10 times, an amateur performer has previously plundered the purity of the potty. In essence, you cannot use the soiled, clogged or moist rimmed toilet without fear of getting a rare butt fungus.

I was feeling adventurous recently and, risking a communicable disease, I walked into a small public restroom located in the heart of the Beehive State. As I pushed through the loose hinged door, a picture was painted before my eyes that I will never forget. Balanced on the edge of the urinal sat a young boy, pooping. I was in shock. For a few seconds I stood, confused, before I burst into laughter.

My robust giggling may have caught the youngster off guard, but his perched pooping did more than catch me off guard, it left me searching for air. His dismount from the lofty urinal ledge was graceful beyond his years. This young boy defied the words of Dr. Brindeswar Pathak, Ph.D., D.Litt., when he brought defecation out of lowly obscurity and threw a funny finesse to fecal firing.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

10 Pet Peeves of the Week

10. Exposed Thongs: Whenever I see an exposed thong, I get the urge to use it like an elastic band, slapping the exposed tender skin. For you own safety, put it away.

9. Food in Facial Hair: How long has it been there? Are you saving it for later?

8. Over Eager Contributors: We all know them; the self proclaimed experts. We cannot afford your two cents worth.

7. Obese Bikinis: Great that you are comfortable with your 500 pound body, but the rest of the world just isn't. If you are looking to purchase a bikini in an extended size, please, reconsider.

6. Shushers: When someone "shushes" me, it is by far louder than any conversation I was having at the moment.

5. Midget Obsession: When others do not share my passion for little people.

4. Global Warming Propaganda: If I hear one more weather man talk about the proof of global warming every time the temperature gets above 90 degrees, then I will go out and produce more greenhouse gas.

3. Butt-Crack Parts: It is not natural to part one's hair straight down the middle. The two hemispheres divided by the great crevasse does not lend itself to beauty in any form.

2. Eating Loudly: Smacking of the lips, chonking on gum, or slurping cereal deserves corporeal punishment.

1. Public Fingernail Clipping: Clipping one's nails is a private matter. I do not want to hear the cutting of your germ infested keratin.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

If You Feel Pain

The room is dark; shadows shield the faces of those sitting in the vulnerable circle. Each individual has come to admit their addiction, their fault. Admitting to the addiction is the first step in the recovery process.

"My name is Lee, and I am a recovering fatty."

Over the past two years, I have dropped a significant amount of weight. I hate to run, but it is the only way I can fit into my pants! I am a firm believer that running was created as God's punishment for fat people. And I am one of them.

But today, as I ran, I found a passage on the holy script of the treadmill. It read, "Cease to exercise if you feel pain, faint, dizzy or short of breath." I feel pain, faint, dizzy and short of breath EVERY time I am on the treadmill!

It was like a prayer had been answered. I can now walk guilt free away from evil that is running with a clear conscious.