Tuesday, May 18, 2010

America's Sport

The Bees, Utah's Minor League Baseball team, hosted a barrage of prepubescent fans today in their victory over the Albuquerque Isotopes. This textual intercourse that we are about to engage in was not subject to the approval of the National Association of Professional Baseball Leagues or its clubs.

Two concerns surface in this introduction to Minor League Baseball: exposure of young child to the indecencies of white trashism and why anyone would select the isotope as their mascot.

Save the Children: 15 elementary schools in the greater Salt Lake City area bused their delicate minds to the stadium to be exposed to "America's favorite past time", baseball. In their attempt to inflict culture upon the vulnerable hearts of America's youth, these educators exposed our children to the impurity of white trashism.

If Nascar fans were to be challenged for the nation's most decorated veterans of the white trash movement, they would find a rival in the ranks of the die hard Minor League Baseball cheer section. Mixed within the K-5 children, the mullets cascaded out from under the sweat stained ball caps to block the sun from the necks of the baseball fanatics. Our kids were next serenaded by the man wearing cut off denims, belching "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" with the expertise of a seasoned beer guzzler. To tap not only our sense of sight and hearing, the aroma of mustard slathered chicken strips and intoxicating beverages left the stomach with a desire to empty its contents into the nearest garbage reciprocal.

As the leaders of tomorrow were staring blankly at the bizarre mess of human anomalies, the question could be seen flashing through their eager young eyes, "What is an isotope?"

At this point, I make the following plea to the National Minor League Baseball Association: Please choose mascots that are animals, humans and or mythical creatures. (To choose which mythical creature best fits your team's goals, dreams and aspiration see Lee Cannon a Mythical Creature, what?) Chemical elements, nuclides and nuclear reactors are not appropriate characters to form a franchise around. Be considerate of our children, they are already exposed to so much in this world of Minor League Baseball.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

One Vicious Mint

I am an avid feminist. I really enjoy women and find them to be much superior to men in so many ways. Men have a long list of disadvantages in life. We are blood thirsty, driven by monetary gains and completely ignorant to the world of women.

This ignorance became all too apparent in my life when I asked my friend Jessica for a small favor. We had been out to eat, our breaths coated with the tangy flavors of the meal, and I noticed she had a small white container filled with little pills. Being a hopeless man, I asked, "Can I have one of those?"

"NO!" Jessica's abrupt answer took me off guard. All I wanted was a breath mint to help tackle the monster stench in my mouth. But she refused to give me the relief I begged for.

"This is my birth control," she exclaimed after seeing my instant reaction.

I do not know what insane reactions my body would have had to taking a dose of sterility meant for ovaries. I can imagine a few of the hormonal catastrophies that could take place in my body and I think I will stick with being a feminist, not a female.

Birth Control: One Vicious Mint