Friday, October 30, 2009

Walter and Pussyfoots

WARNING: The National Humane Society advises all cat lovers to leave this blog post immediately. The following feline encounter is rated PG-13 for Violence, Language and Teen Partying. Some material may be inappropriate for young children.

It was a cool autumn evening as the Buick rolled down 600 East, Logan, UT, 84322. The pressures of the day had vanished and the night was fast approaching. As I turned the grandma-esque steering wheel towards my driveway, a sickening buh-buh met my ears. It felt like someone had put a small speed bump in my driveway. I thought nothing of it until I got out of the car and saw Walter, my neighbor's cat, sprawled out like a kitty cat shaped pancake.

Not knowing what to do, I simply got a shovel and loaded poor Walt into my garbage can. It was a short ceremony, a few kind words were said and off I went with no intention of telling my neighbor of Walt's passing.

Days passed and it was time to go to the gym. While rubbing my eyes and yawning, I crept out of bed at 6:00 a.m. and warmed the Buick for another heroic voyage to the Nielson Fieldhouse. As I began backing up, I felt the ever too familiar buh and decided to check what I was running over. I opened my door to find the neighbor's other cat stuck underneath my tire, still flailing. Obviously in pain, I weighed my options and took the only moral route : I put the Buick into a back and forth motion to ensure the quick and painless passing of Pussyfoots.

Two days later, I received this flier:

My dear neighbor is missing her cats! What am I supposed to do!?

The solution that my mind has settled upon is to search the National Humane Society's website along with local animal shelters until I find at least one cat that closely resembles either Walter or Pussyfoots. So far my search has been in vain, but I am not opposed to dying a few hairs to get the results I need. I may be terrified to tell my neighbor how I decreased her population of tabbies, but I am not above a little creativity in reincarnation!

Sunday, October 25, 2009

How a Tattoo Made Do

A tattoo is a decorative pattern of ink infused into layers of skin to change the pigment of the cells. Some cultures use this method of marking to symbolize bravery, others to denote criminal activity and Cupid has found his way onto many muscle bound arms in the form of a heart. In my recent adventure series of life, I have found more and more interesting tattoos attached to delightfully bizarre people.

Last night I was at dinner my black friend, Twevor J. Witcha. I do not label him for the color of his skin, nor his choice to drive an Asian car, I simply think of him as my equal opportunity friend. Like an employer, I feel it is my ethical and moral responsibility to have friends of many cultural, religious and racial backgrounds, including peoples with disabilities. My best friend Petra, for example, is a mixture of Norwegian and Native American along with being lactose intolerant. She highlights my understanding of cross-cultural tattoo-ing, a theory developed through extensive research by Dr. Jose Rodrigez Flores Juanito Pereria of Pocatello, Idaho.

Cross-cultural tattoo-ing is the process of imprinting an individual's culture upon the heart of another. When someone steps into your life, they bring with them all the necessary tools to make their lasting mark, whether good or bad. For an example, please, let me tell you the story of Stephanie.

Stephanie was our waitress at the aforementioned dinner. She was fairly delightful as an individual and soon disclosed to us that she has 10 tattoos on her rather heavy set frame. A set of stars adorn both of her creased wrists and a gigantic MOISES is branded across her chest. Feeling pressure to reveal something unique about myself to Stephie, I explained the very sensual tattoo I had engraved upon the tender flesh of my behind: a potato. She and Twevor both paused in utter bewilderment at my vegetable shaped skin stamp before my giggling exposed my little fib. The laughter that erupted from all three of us is a phenomenal example of a cross-cultural tattoo-ing tool that writes upon our hearts.

Therefore, as an equal opportunity friendship provider, I ask you to give heed to the ancient Mantuaian proverb "Laugh long is the ingredient to live long." Laughter enables any awkward activity to transform into an fabulously fun function! If you can't think of anything to laugh about, take a page from the Lee Cannon Play Book and tell your guests about your potato tattoo.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

The Betrayal

The north and south walls in my bedroom are painted a light mint green. On the western wall, deep chocolate brown paint covers the plaster. The east wall highlights the minty freshness of the green with the smooth richness of the brown in a vertical stripe pattern. The room is decorated in my style, with my things and is mine. This room cannot betray me.

Often times in life, a heart is opened and the content of a soul is exposed. This happens when we share treasured memories, guarded weaknesses, intimate relations and laugh ourselves into tears. In this vulernable state is when betrayal plunges its twisted shameless dagger in. Once the ugly blade has been inserted, please expect an eternal barage of hurt. This hurt is the product of all the treasured memories, guarded weaknesses, intimate relations and laughter that you share with someone you trusted.

Is it worth leaving the comfort of this room? I painted each of these walls, cultivating this place into a haven. Much like a relationship is hand selected and nutured, this room has been crafted for security. Is is worth leaving this room to be betrayed by someone you thought loved you?

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Lee Cannon a Mythical Creature, What?

Often times I ponder what mythical creature I would be. A noble Pegasus? A proud phoenix? Possibly a dragon, a unicorn or a lucky leprechaun? To solve this life long dilemma, I turned to to help me discover the truth of my mystical beast within. To my utter delight, I found 84,300 sites dealing with mythical creature quizzes.

The site I chose,, greets thousands of Lord of the Rings fans daily. Many of the patrons of this website are individuals very familiar to my readers.

Think back to the awkward years of pubescent explosions, junior high school. Now travel with me to the lunch time cafeteria where hundreds of greased teenagers jockey for attention with their braced teeth and uncomfortably misproportioned bodies. To your right, on the far end of the last table, you will find the pimpled gang of motley individuals playing Magic, the epic card game. Yes, these are they that understand the power of labeling humans as mythical creatures. We all now know who writes the mythical creature quizzes that so often get sent

The long awaited verdict is here. The following is what was generated in response to an extensive questionnaire. You are a Griffin! Bold and adventurous, you live in the now, but secretly wish things for the future. Very brave, your friends probably admire your apparent fearlessness, and wish they could be just like you.

So next time you receive an email from asking you to take a quiz highlighting your strengths as an abominable snowman or centaur, remember the special Magic card playing kid in your Math class. He not only wrote the quiz, but also creepily requested your friendship on Facebook.