Friday, January 30, 2009

Super Bowl vs. Contraceptives

Millions of men, women and children ... well men, will be taking part in a historically testosterone driven event today: 2009 Super Bowl Sunday. This highlight of manhood and grunting symbolizes the power professional sports has upon the culture of mankind. "Who doesn't love to watch 300 lb men smash each other to bits," commented 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama II. Perhaps in this brilliant piece of legislation called the "stimulus package", an appendage should be added to refund all Super Bowl parties as charitable donations to the middle class. That would make perfect sense and be a brilliant companion to the proposed $128 million dollar allocation to producing contraceptives. It is a proven fact that America needs more contraceptives and more Super Bowl parties to stimulate our economy.

Super Bowl parties and contraceptives have a few things in common.

1) They both prevent the human population from expanding for a short period of time.
2) A fair amount of alcohol can be associated with both items.
3) More individuals viewing the Super Bowl should use contraceptives to stimulate our economy.

Super Bowl parties are occassions that would destroy the regular digestive track of a full grown male African elephant. And yet, every year the little smokeys, peanuts, festive sausage balls, chips, salsa, guacamole, and cheese curds are chased down with a couple liters of Coke. One might argue that the Super Bowl is a contraceptive. The elation created by a winning team sends a man into a spinning spiral of uncontrolable bliss as if he had actually played in the game himself. This sudden explosion of excitement creates a hormonal influction that renders all males sterile for 24 hours. Cardnials, please, keep this in mind today.

As an avid advocate of Orbit Sweet Mint chewing gum, I feel it is my further duty to admonish the Senate Democrats and Republicans to join together in a historical bipartisan adventure to reconstruct the stimulus package. The current draft only allows spending for traditional contraceptives and should have a face lift to add SBPBR's (Super Bowl Party Budget Refund) as a source of renewable energy research program awarding each party host with a $5,500 tax refund. Who needs conraceptives when you have the Super Bowl. Bratwurst anyone?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

12 Hours

12 Hours. It has been 12 hours now since I was exposed. 12 hours since I was left speechless and uncomfortable. 12 hours since my body literally had no strength to function. 12 Hours since I was forced to ask myself: Who I was? Where was I? How I got there? What was happening?

Trapped. I could not force myself to pull out. Cornered. The suffocating feelings of anxiety enclosed upon my innocent heart. Vulnerable. The much too familiar feeling of QBH washed over my body. For the unaware or naive person, QBH stands for Quivering Butt Hole. QBH is the puckering sensation that occurs when something very awkward, frightening or surprising happens to you. It is a common reaction and everyone has experienced it. If you think you are QBH free, then you are simply denying the truth of physiological reality. Think about your physical reaction to experiences, whether conscious or unconscious, QBH is a part of your life.

The causation of my emotional and mental paralysis was a song. It is fair to say that it was more than a song, more than a melody, more than words: it was a collage of ugly. I was unprepared for the power this song would have upon me. I feel that the world deserves to experience this moment of my life.

12 hours ago Abi chose to express herself. 12 hours ago she chose to render me helpless. 12 hours ago the QBH was constant. 12 hours ago my life changed.

Monday, January 26, 2009

7 Layer Dip - 7 Layer Outfit

Fashion is my passion. What you wear defines so many aspects of who you are. Each social occassion is accompanied by an equally appropriate outfit.

Food is my passion. What you eat defines so many aspects of who you are. Each social occassion is accompanied by an equally appropriate dish.

Weight gains and losses are a part of life. I gained 45 lbs after my high school graduation. I ate my way through stress, through relationships, through exams. I could eat my way through a full grown beef and still have enough stress to eat an entire Nancy's Famous Cherry-Berry pie! My passion for fashion has changed my relationship with food.

I did not have a prayer to fit into my wardrobe after the 45 lb disaster. This caused me to jump into action. Fad diet after fad diet I simply could not get out of my rut. I had what I call an "old milk" body- white and chunky. The time had come to throw away the curdled Lee.

I began doing 30 minutes of cardiovascular 3 times a week. I felt like I had been raped by a buffalo after the first time going-I was so extremely sore. But each time got easier. I cut my calorie intake in half and slowly worked my way up to daily cardiovascular. I have now lost 36 lbs and feel amazing. I know that anybody can do the simple things I have done to lose weight and feel great.

Now that I have slimmed down I can fit into my fairly extensive collection of clothing again. This is a blessing because as you know fashion is my passion. Whether it is a 7 layer dip for a party or a 7 layer outfit for a night on the town, 7 layers of personality define who we are. Passion is power. Power is truth. Truth is life. And Life is all about wearing seven layers of beautiful clothing while eating seven layers of divine dip.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My Spanish Abilities

I love communicating. The art of expressing thoughts, emotions, passion, ideas and concepts through words and actions is the complex structure that binds our society together. Every culture is linked and intertwined within itself through communication. Communication marks us as who we are.

Spanish. I do not do Spanish. When I say I do not do Spanish it does not mean that I do not respect peoples who do speak Spanish. It simply means that my Spanish language skills are about as pathetic as a spanked piglet. It is one of my favorite games as of late to use my limited and very greengo Espanol to drive Spanish speakers crazy. Some of my favorite sayings are: Yo tengo uno frijole ( I have one bean), yo estoy el queso grande ( I am the big cheese), ¿Has oído el caso de ese fugitivo que secuestró un autobús de turistas japoneses? (Have you heard about the case of that fugitive who held hostage a busload of Japanese tourists?), La policía tiene 5.000 fotos suyas (The police have 5,000 pictures of him.)

I was introduced to a great YouTube clip by Natalie Mutt Nyman, a victim of my fairly attrocious Spanish language skills. She keeps trying to convince me that it is incorrect to call oneself "the big cheese" or that you cannot have just one bean (frijole) or one pant (pantelone). I just shrug my shoulders, laugh and continue my endless blathering of useless phrases. I am simply trying to communicate and employ that structured art form of society in my life! It's who I am.

Hope you enjoy!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

500 Days of Summer

Last night I attended the SunDance Film Festival in Park City, UT. As part of the Delta Airlines private screening, I was thrilled to view 500 Days of Summer. The large popcorn with extra butter and a large Dr. Pepper for $453.00 served as the entertainment for Natalie Mutt Nyman and I while we waited for the movie to start.

This movie is a love story, but not a love story. Two dynamic performances from Tom (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) and Summer (Zooey Deschanel) have shaped this film into more than the fairy tale love story that Hollywood so often perscribes to us. It explores the relationships within our society through the microscope of one relationship. The beauty of this plot lies in the unfolding of a story 500 days in length and thousands of pages in depth.

Marc Webb's brilliant directing took me into the lives of Tom and Summer, simple greeting-card writers. I took part in the initial flirting, the budding romance, the hate and depression of a break up. I listened to the story of Tom's heart as he tried to define, label, or simply discover what his role was in Summer's life. The adventures of these two perfectly developed characters are so relatable to me that it is almost frightening. I will not give details of the show, because I think that everybody should see it without too much foreshadowing involved.

The concept that I took from this movie is the power of our minds to change reality. We are immersed inside our memories and forget the naked truth. Often times a fleeting memory of bliss is our emotional defense against remebering the pangs of hurt that really occured. Our minds create a wall, a block, a safe place to guard our hearts from the tremendously destructive power of love.

What is love? Only through letting down our filters of safety can we realize the brutal lies that ours lives are or discover the refreshing truth that yes, we are real. Real, honest, and ourselves. That is love.