Friday, January 30, 2009

Super Bowl vs. Contraceptives

Millions of men, women and children ... well men, will be taking part in a historically testosterone driven event today: 2009 Super Bowl Sunday. This highlight of manhood and grunting symbolizes the power professional sports has upon the culture of mankind. "Who doesn't love to watch 300 lb men smash each other to bits," commented 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama II. Perhaps in this brilliant piece of legislation called the "stimulus package", an appendage should be added to refund all Super Bowl parties as charitable donations to the middle class. That would make perfect sense and be a brilliant companion to the proposed $128 million dollar allocation to producing contraceptives. It is a proven fact that America needs more contraceptives and more Super Bowl parties to stimulate our economy.

Super Bowl parties and contraceptives have a few things in common.

1) They both prevent the human population from expanding for a short period of time.
2) A fair amount of alcohol can be associated with both items.
3) More individuals viewing the Super Bowl should use contraceptives to stimulate our economy.

Super Bowl parties are occassions that would destroy the regular digestive track of a full grown male African elephant. And yet, every year the little smokeys, peanuts, festive sausage balls, chips, salsa, guacamole, and cheese curds are chased down with a couple liters of Coke. One might argue that the Super Bowl is a contraceptive. The elation created by a winning team sends a man into a spinning spiral of uncontrolable bliss as if he had actually played in the game himself. This sudden explosion of excitement creates a hormonal influction that renders all males sterile for 24 hours. Cardnials, please, keep this in mind today.


As an avid advocate of Orbit Sweet Mint chewing gum, I feel it is my further duty to admonish the Senate Democrats and Republicans to join together in a historical bipartisan adventure to reconstruct the stimulus package. The current draft only allows spending for traditional contraceptives and should have a face lift to add SBPBR's (Super Bowl Party Budget Refund) as a source of renewable energy research program awarding each party host with a $5,500 tax refund. Who needs conraceptives when you have the Super Bowl. Bratwurst anyone?

9 comments:

Ashley said...

Brilliant!

Hannah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hannah said...

I did not see any of the words/phrases we discussed. Glad to see it...or NOT see it.

Good entry. Good thoughts. I'm reminded of a paper I once proofread for you...

Drue said...

While this observation is provocative and convincing, I feel that you have left out one of the most persuasive evidences we have. It is a common fact that women do not wish to procreate with unintelligent barbarians. Just as the full moon brings to light our werewolf friends, the Superbowl highlights the idiocy and juvenile habits that we as women try to oversee in our relationships with men. Yet year after year, the football is passed and the men revert back to caveman hood. They yell. They slap each other. They hog the couch. They speak a language that is more than understandable but all together intolerable. There is no woman who in her right mind could feel attraction to an immature caveman blossoming from her bosom on Super Contraceptive Sunday… er- SuperBOWL Sunday.

Celestyn H said...

Ok. This is your best work yet. Superbowls are also a great contraceptive because men are abstaining from women for at least four hours.

Lee Cannon said...

I feel for the women of the world during the Super Bowl.

Steven said...

here is your proof Lee Cannon... other than that, I'm speachless.

Jacki Lee said...

ummmm I enjoy the Super Bowl....

Sarahn and Cade Mund said...

Oh my H! Nailed it. I think everything but the curds were present at The Mund's on Sunday. Wow. Yuck.