Sunday, March 29, 2009

World's Largest

We all love the super sized option at McDonald's. Our culture is fascinated by large things. Throw in a disproportionately large body part, a freakishly tall appendage or any other bizarrely shaped bulge and people will flock to you. Following that same theory here are some really zany, overly huge things.

The world's largest burrito was made by Burrito Real in Mountain View, California. This gigantic gastro-nightmare weighed in at 4,500 pounds and was 3,578 feet long. It was officially dubbed the world's largest burrito by the Guinness Book of World Records in 1997. What a great accomplishment that has changed the future of man kind.

The world's longest earlobes belong to Beaula Wilson Parson from Preston, Idaho. Beaula enjoys jell-o, bingo and polka dancing. Known for her naturally extensive ear lobes, Beaula has taken on a prominent role in the international non-profit organization FLEL.

FLEL, Freakishly Long Ear Lobers, has begun an global campaign to eradicate the attached lobe. "It is a plague of our day. More lobes need to be set free and released from their attached form," said Parson.

A 7-DVD set is provided by FLEL directing viewers on proper technique of lobe stretchage. In 12 short weeks Parson, the main star of the DVD series, promises to pull, stretch, squeeze, twick, tug, and yank even the most embarrassingly small earlobes into the lobes that you have only dreamed of.

For all those teaming readers who wish to know more about FLEL please call 1-800-BIG-LOBE for more information. And everybody else can join me in Mountain View California for a burrito eating contest.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Passed Some Gas: Global Warming

Today Al Gore wrote me a personal email addressing the dramatically important issue of global warming. The email was sent to Lee Cannon and 300 million other Americans each individually addressed by former Vice President Gore, the man who is better with plants than with politics.

Increasing global temperature will cause sea levels to right and will change the amount and pattern of precipitation, likely including an expanse of the subtropical desert regions. This sounded so fascinating that I decided to eat and entire bag of a chemically enriched, enhanced, engaged, embellished Cool Ranch Doritos.

The most frightening piece of information said, "other likely effects include arctic shrinkage". Arctic Shrinkage?! In my vast knowledge of temperature change and its influential impact upon the male genitalia, I make the motion that arctic shrinkage is the true villain within the global warming fiasco.

When asked about my feelings describing the emanate danger of global warming I have one response: Save a tree. Eat a beaver. My larger concern is not global warming, but how in the world did Al Gore get my email address?

Sunday, March 15, 2009

St. Patrick's Day: Not Okay

In honor of the 5th century Catholic bishop, Maewyn Succat, more generically known by common folk as St. Patrick, I write this post.

The history of St. Patrick's Day stems back to early Irish myth and legend. The swirls of memory and ancestral here say have created the three major contenders in the 2009 St. Patrick's Day Mascot Show Down Showcase.

1) The Shamrock: A three leafed greenery known for its low height and ability to spread quickly. The Shamrock is an icon of Ireland dating back to 1510 when Lord Byron of Grattan wore it on his lapel to a royal function. The then Queen of England, Elizabeth I, declared it a "fabulous fashion phenomena" and knighted Lord Byron on the spot. The Shamrock is definitely a runner up in the official St. Patrick's Day Mascot Showcase Show Down.

2) The Color Green: A mixture of two primary pigment colors, blue and yellow, green screams nature. Green is classy and ready for any occasion.

The Color Green reminds me of only one thing: That green M&M's make Mr. Reeder, my 7th grade science teacher... horny.

The nomination of the Color Green as a mascot for any international holiday is, however, completely ridiculous. How can a color embody the emotional roots of St. Patrick's Day? Let's simply wear the darn color once a year to stop Auntie Paula from pinching us on March 17th and throw this mascot out.

3) The Leprechaun: A Celtic fairy of unsurpassed creepiness has haunted the dreams of children for decades. With his cocked hat and leather apron, the mini-sized male would pass as a pedophile in 49 of the 50 states within the Union. (There are plenty of odd shaped shorties in Idaho)

The Leprechaun is the perfect mascot for St. Patrick's Day due to his link with the national group Little People of America. Midgets, little people, nubbin's, dwarfs and hobbits are all names given to the genetically enhanced individuals that Ireland has labeled: Leprechaun, the official winner of the 2009 St. Patrick's Day Mascot Showcase Show Down.

Let us forget the forgotten reasons we celebrate St. Patrick's Day and replace them by wearing cocked hats, leather aprons, green thongs and growing our facial hair out. Anybody up for a trip to Boise?

Monday, March 2, 2009

Side Burns

Side Burns.
I wear my side burns down to mid-lobe. A decent length, neatly trimmed and groomed.

Side Burns.

Thick, lush, greased down side burns. A horrendous length, overgrown and unkempt.

The second example is what I was forced to view today. I was an innocent by standard that was disturbed to see these wispy critters growing down the cheek of my peer. Being Lee Cannon, I reached forward to inform this poor soul that the length, girth and hygienic habits of the above mentioned sideburns were inappropriate. In my eagerness to help with this hairy problem I did not notice that the victim of this indecency was: female.

Genetics is playing a horrible trick on a handful of women in this world. It must be terribly embarrassing to have a 5 o'clock shadow by noon when society expects you to be smooth, clean and hairless. I send my emotional sympathy to each woman plagued with this trial in life.

With that said, I am not okay with women who do not keep their facial hair trimmed. It is not okay to let that bush grow wild! A wonderful creation, sent from above, was given to mankind: wax. In just 30 short seconds, one can completely remove unwanted hair. It might be slightly painful, but who doesn't love a good sting?

Women of my life, and men for that matter, please consider the general population of the world and keep your facial hair decent. If your hair is becoming a living ecosystem, then it is time for you to prune your hedge.