Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Middle Aged Mishaps

I don't know how they find me, but they do. The few and far between freaks find me. I am convinced that at some point I forgot to uncheck the little box of an online survey that allowed Nancy Pelosi and the DNC to distribute all my private information to the mentally ill, maniacs and middle aged women of America. Now, I enjoy a thrilling adventure as much as the next young business professional, but honestly, the barrage of bizarre busty beauties is taking its toll on my sanity. I offer three brief examples of this recent onslaught of the middle aged women mania.

The Date: I was innocently casual dating this woman who I thought to be in her late 20's. After our third outing I received a call from a girl who said, "Lee, I am getting engaged! And since you are seeing my mother, I thought I would ask you to sing at my reception!" Seeing your mother?! Thank you Middle Aged Woman #1, I have now acquired an age limit in all aspects of dating.

The Party: I was innocently attending a costume party over the holidays. Without warning a very large middle aged woman wearing cheetah print teetered over me. As her 400 pound frame collapsed upon me, I could not move. The crowded room could not hear my muffled screams for help. Thank you Middle Aged Woman #2, I have now acquired a fear of inflatable toys.

The Store: I was innocently shopping for nutrients the other day when an unsolicited middle aged woman approached me. She greeted me with a smile and said, "You look like Jude Law . . . only fatter." This is not socially acceptable. No one should be allowed to comment on complete stranger's excess body fat. Thank you Middle Aged Woman #3, I have now acquired an eating disorder.

I am fully prepared for a break in the middle aged mishaps. Please, if you see me being followed by a middle aged woman, no matter how friendly or innocent she may appear, scream bloody murder and tell me to RUN!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

My Own Bathsheba

David of Old, he who pummeled the vertical over achiever, Goliath, found himself king of all Israel. One night, Dave was strolling about his lofty palace rooftop and "from the roof he saw a woman washing herself, and the woman was very beautiful to look upon." (2 Samuel 11:2) This yummy morsel was known as Bathsheba. One thing led to another and soon Bath was heavy with Davey's baby.

Current pop culture would have us believe that you must have been spotted fornicating upon a rooftop to be anybody now a days in Hollywood. However, in my recently acquired hobby of installing steel roofs, I do not recommend doing any strenuous activity upon any rooftop. In fact, I, like my fellow psalm writer, have spied my own Bathsheba from atop a roof.

My Bathsheba must have forgotten to read her Old Testament, as she came out onto the adjacent porch in nothing but a skimpy bikini clinging to her 93 year old not-so-beautiful body. I tried to categorize her body type as she waved at me, her arm flab flapping in the wind. She did not fit the ectomorph, mesomorph or endomorph body types, but instead mastered the old pear body type featuring fairly small shoulders that descend into well rounded out hips and a rotting bottom.

The sun reflecting off her glowing white skin caught my eyes like the flashes of the paparazzi cameras documenting the lusty rooftop affair. I was stunned by the public display of wrinkled flesh. But to relieve your churning stomach, I withstood my Davidic temptations, as strong as they were, and giggled my way down the ladder. With each downward step I lost any chance to getting my name in the headlines, but at least there won't be a chapter in 2 Samuel describing my adultry with that aged angel.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Public Restrooms: Turd Terrorism

Public restrooms were created as a center for those seeking sanctuary from the pressures of their bowels. Dating back to the early Babylonian empire, public restrooms are an important piece of our hygiene history. Though they have relieved the heavy burdens of our bowels, public restrooms have never been given a great place of reverence in our society's heart. Dr. Bindeswar Pathak, Ph.D., D.Litt. presented the following explanation of poop's unpopular position at the International Symposium on Public Toilets held in Hong King, "Unlike body functions like dance, drama and songs, defecation is considered very lowly."

Thanks to Dr. Pathak, we now know that pooping, like dancing and singing, is an under appreciated talent. From the first few moments on the stage of life to our closing acts before the curtain falls, poop is a part of us. However, like any athletic activity, pooping requires skill and a life time of practice. The public restroom system, unfortunately, has become the practice field for pooping.

We have all rushed into a restroom with nothing but a prayer in our heart that an empty stall awaits us. But when we find that chance vacant porcelain throne, 9 out of 10 times, an amateur performer has previously plundered the purity of the potty. In essence, you cannot use the soiled, clogged or moist rimmed toilet without fear of getting a rare butt fungus.

I was feeling adventurous recently and, risking a communicable disease, I walked into a small public restroom located in the heart of the Beehive State. As I pushed through the loose hinged door, a picture was painted before my eyes that I will never forget. Balanced on the edge of the urinal sat a young boy, pooping. I was in shock. For a few seconds I stood, confused, before I burst into laughter.

My robust giggling may have caught the youngster off guard, but his perched pooping did more than catch me off guard, it left me searching for air. His dismount from the lofty urinal ledge was graceful beyond his years. This young boy defied the words of Dr. Brindeswar Pathak, Ph.D., D.Litt., when he brought defecation out of lowly obscurity and threw a funny finesse to fecal firing.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

10 Pet Peeves of the Week

10. Exposed Thongs: Whenever I see an exposed thong, I get the urge to use it like an elastic band, slapping the exposed tender skin. For you own safety, put it away.

9. Food in Facial Hair: How long has it been there? Are you saving it for later?

8. Over Eager Contributors: We all know them; the self proclaimed experts. We cannot afford your two cents worth.

7. Obese Bikinis: Great that you are comfortable with your 500 pound body, but the rest of the world just isn't. If you are looking to purchase a bikini in an extended size, please, reconsider.

6. Shushers: When someone "shushes" me, it is by far louder than any conversation I was having at the moment.

5. Midget Obsession: When others do not share my passion for little people.

4. Global Warming Propaganda: If I hear one more weather man talk about the proof of global warming every time the temperature gets above 90 degrees, then I will go out and produce more greenhouse gas.

3. Butt-Crack Parts: It is not natural to part one's hair straight down the middle. The two hemispheres divided by the great crevasse does not lend itself to beauty in any form.

2. Eating Loudly: Smacking of the lips, chonking on gum, or slurping cereal deserves corporeal punishment.

1. Public Fingernail Clipping: Clipping one's nails is a private matter. I do not want to hear the cutting of your germ infested keratin.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

If You Feel Pain

The room is dark; shadows shield the faces of those sitting in the vulnerable circle. Each individual has come to admit their addiction, their fault. Admitting to the addiction is the first step in the recovery process.

"My name is Lee, and I am a recovering fatty."

Over the past two years, I have dropped a significant amount of weight. I hate to run, but it is the only way I can fit into my pants! I am a firm believer that running was created as God's punishment for fat people. And I am one of them.

But today, as I ran, I found a passage on the holy script of the treadmill. It read, "Cease to exercise if you feel pain, faint, dizzy or short of breath." I feel pain, faint, dizzy and short of breath EVERY time I am on the treadmill!

It was like a prayer had been answered. I can now walk guilt free away from evil that is running with a clear conscious.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Please, Do Rain On My Parade

The stunning musical theatre hall of fame melody Don't Rain On My Parade, from Isobel Lennart's Funny Girl, featuring Barbra Streisand's spectacular voice, will make any heart want to take up a flag, march or ride on a float. If you do, I am afraid I cannot be your friend. Parades are society's worst forms of public torture and I, as a responsible citizen, will not support such cruelty.

I would rather attend a funeral any day than go to a parade. Funerals celebrate the lives of deceased loved ones with song and praise. Parades celebrate the lives of the living with hurling candy and horse droppings.

The numb bum, product of sitting uncomfortably for hours watching ancient couples polka dancing in pastel fringe on passing floats, is only one of the many negative side effects of parade goers. A sweaty brow and a cherry sunburn accompany the numb bum in the Parade Watchers Package.

If you do choose the low road and attend a parade, please keep your eyes peeled for the large balloon cartoon charaters. Though the gigantic caricature might seem colorful and a short term shade source, these monsterous choking hazards, if set free, could be devastating to migratory birds and passing aircraft.

Ms Streisand, you might have had it right when you sang about the bruising life candy and the sun being a burning ball of butter. But, please, do rain on my parade. That way I won't have to attend the inhumane community affliction of any more parades.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunburn: The Other Red Meat

I love meat. When the craving for a steak hits me at 2 a.m., I must bend to the urge. Perhaps it is a primal instinct to kill? A sticky iron deficiency situation? Or I could be entering the third trimester of my pregnancy? Just like many hankerings, my meat fixation is unexplainable, irrational and consuming.

This need for red meat overcame me the other day. It was coupled with a second desire: to sun bathe. In a moment ignorant of logic, I stripped down and began grilling a juicy steak. Barbecue grills are very hot metal objects, much like the molten balls of flaming gas that pop off sizzling meat. Between the heat of the beef, the BBQ and the blazing sun, my body became a roasted chunk of charred flesh.

I do not recommend BBQ-ing in the nude. I cannot endorse this act of culinary adventurism. The products of this unfortunate event were a perfectly browned tenderloin, a lobster red body, and one of the most awkward situations on a date.

My skin was beginning the annual post burn flaking process when my date asked if she could peel my skin off. I was startled, confused and shocked by her proposal and simply staring at her. She took this silence as the green light and eagerly began striping my body of its top layer of skin.

This is not socially acceptable.

I may have bizarre cravings for delicious meats and to have the tanned sun-kissed look, but peeling a person's skin on a first date is a desire that should never be shared or acted upon.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

The Rapunzel Dilema

"Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy golden hair," has been chanted at every child's bedside by weary eyed mothers since the turn of the 18th century. Long, thick, beautiful hair has been given princess status now for over 300 years. Even pop goddess, Lady Gaga, paid tribute to the lush locks of the towered dame when she dressed as Rapunzel in her 2009 Monster Ball Tour version of "Paparazzi". My own desire to run my fingers through an entangled mane of hair follicles was completely destroyed when I saw a woman with such hair exiting a public restroom.

The little voice inside my head questioned, "What doe she do with that while she poops?"

From that moment on I became a supporter of the short female hair cut. I do not want to run my fingers through any hair that has been brushed along the backside of a toilet or has had the possibility of being dragged through fecal matter. Rapunzel, I do not care how golden thy hair may be, please, cut it!

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Adopt-A-Dwarf Foundation

Thank you for calling Adopt-A-Dwarf Foundation, this is Thelma speaking. Here at Adopt-A-Dwarf, we seek to fulfill the dreams of individuals with smaller than normal statures and those average sized Americans who wish to adopt said little folk.

Today, we have three options of compact companions for your viewing pleasure.

Please press the #1 button on your telephone key pad if you are interested in our sturdy Mountain Midget.

Thank you for pressing #1. The Mountain Midget is a pocket sized champion of the hills. With sturdy legs, the Mountain Midget is perfect for long backpacking adventures and carrying heavy equipment. Backpack not included.

Please press the #2 button on your telephone key pad if you are interested in our exotic African American Midget.

Thank you for pressing #2. The African American Midget is a perfectly proportioned person built for display. With flashy or elaborate jewelry, the African American Midget is a perfect fit for those seeking a teensy-weensy conversation starter. Bling Bling not included.

Please press the #3 button on your telephone key pad if you are interested in our international Irish Midget.

Thank you for pressing #3. The Irish Midget is an undersized ginger friend for all occasions. Often mistaken for a leprechaun, the Irish Midget is known for being lucky, liking potatoes and performing traditional Riverdance routines. Jig not included.

These three options of lovable flesh nuggets can be yours by simply filling out an on-line application. Your application will be reviewed by members of the Adopt-A-Dwarf Foundation and Little People of America board members. If selected, you will become a candidate to making a little person's dreams come true.

Thank you for calling Adopt-A-Dwarf.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

A Jazzy Pandemic

The H1N1 virus outbreak of 2009 introduced a recent pandemic to the world. Joining the long list of historic pandemics, H1N1's 30,000 victims are overshadowed by the 400,000 deaths each year caused by smallpox in the 1700's , the Black Plague that wiped out 75 million souls, and the 350 million cases of malaria annually in the modern era. However, a new pandemic is on the rise. One that is often preventable. One that clogs the shopping aisles of the grocery store. One that entices the youth of today. A Jazzy Pandemic.

The Jazzy, an elite power chair, has wheeled its way into the lives of many America's. At first, a tool for rehabilitation, adding a motorized mobility for its users, the Jazzy seems like a kind bedfellow. But as the pandemic has spread, I fear that the Jazzy is taking over our society.

In the greater Brigham City, Utah area, 19 Jazzy sitings have been reported to the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance in the past week. This is up 190% from the previous year's statistical reporting. Such a drastic increase in maneuverable chairs has been noted by the World Health Organization as a level 5 pandemic. This heightened attention to high-performing Jazzy models leads me end this issue with the following Jazzy etiquette statements:

If you are strapped onto a Jazzy, please acknowledge the speed your pedestrian friends are traveling at. Do not run down(technically it should be wheel down not run down) the innocent people around you.

If you are going to offer rides on your Jazzy to family members, friends or small children, please remember that safety comes first. Always wear a helmet.

If you are not a Jazzy junky, but you see an abandoned Jazzy, DO NOT jump on board and take the Jazzy for a spin. They are highly addictive.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

America's Sport

The Bees, Utah's Minor League Baseball team, hosted a barrage of prepubescent fans today in their victory over the Albuquerque Isotopes. This textual intercourse that we are about to engage in was not subject to the approval of the National Association of Professional Baseball Leagues or its clubs.

Two concerns surface in this introduction to Minor League Baseball: exposure of young child to the indecencies of white trashism and why anyone would select the isotope as their mascot.

Save the Children: 15 elementary schools in the greater Salt Lake City area bused their delicate minds to the stadium to be exposed to "America's favorite past time", baseball. In their attempt to inflict culture upon the vulnerable hearts of America's youth, these educators exposed our children to the impurity of white trashism.

If Nascar fans were to be challenged for the nation's most decorated veterans of the white trash movement, they would find a rival in the ranks of the die hard Minor League Baseball cheer section. Mixed within the K-5 children, the mullets cascaded out from under the sweat stained ball caps to block the sun from the necks of the baseball fanatics. Our kids were next serenaded by the man wearing cut off denims, belching "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" with the expertise of a seasoned beer guzzler. To tap not only our sense of sight and hearing, the aroma of mustard slathered chicken strips and intoxicating beverages left the stomach with a desire to empty its contents into the nearest garbage reciprocal.

As the leaders of tomorrow were staring blankly at the bizarre mess of human anomalies, the question could be seen flashing through their eager young eyes, "What is an isotope?"

At this point, I make the following plea to the National Minor League Baseball Association: Please choose mascots that are animals, humans and or mythical creatures. (To choose which mythical creature best fits your team's goals, dreams and aspiration see Lee Cannon a Mythical Creature, what?) Chemical elements, nuclides and nuclear reactors are not appropriate characters to form a franchise around. Be considerate of our children, they are already exposed to so much in this world of Minor League Baseball.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

One Vicious Mint

I am an avid feminist. I really enjoy women and find them to be much superior to men in so many ways. Men have a long list of disadvantages in life. We are blood thirsty, driven by monetary gains and completely ignorant to the world of women.

This ignorance became all too apparent in my life when I asked my friend Jessica for a small favor. We had been out to eat, our breaths coated with the tangy flavors of the meal, and I noticed she had a small white container filled with little pills. Being a hopeless man, I asked, "Can I have one of those?"

"NO!" Jessica's abrupt answer took me off guard. All I wanted was a breath mint to help tackle the monster stench in my mouth. But she refused to give me the relief I begged for.

"This is my birth control," she exclaimed after seeing my instant reaction.

I do not know what insane reactions my body would have had to taking a dose of sterility meant for ovaries. I can imagine a few of the hormonal catastrophies that could take place in my body and I think I will stick with being a feminist, not a female.

Birth Control: One Vicious Mint

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Thump. Thump.

The sun was shining as I walked peacefully to class. I was admiring the beauty of the Earth when I heard a pair of heavy feet quickly approaching me.

Thump. Thump.

Without warning, a large glob of human body hurled into mine. The force of this flesh knocked me to my knees. With the momentum of a adolescent elephant participating in a track and field event, the flailing female rolled over my bent shoulders. The rolling continued until her Ug boots managed to grip enough traction on the cold cement to stop herself. My eyes eagerly searched her almond eyes for signs of what had caused this sneak attack, my own personal Pearl Harbor.

No words were said. A simple confused look was the only answer I received before the assailant ran away. And when I say ran, I exaggerate, it was more of a quick trot.

The next time you hear a wide set thump thump behind your rump, please remember: jump or hide behind a stump, but you cannot escape the woman baring the thump thump.