Sunday, July 18, 2010

Sunburn: The Other Red Meat

I love meat. When the craving for a steak hits me at 2 a.m., I must bend to the urge. Perhaps it is a primal instinct to kill? A sticky iron deficiency situation? Or I could be entering the third trimester of my pregnancy? Just like many hankerings, my meat fixation is unexplainable, irrational and consuming.

This need for red meat overcame me the other day. It was coupled with a second desire: to sun bathe. In a moment ignorant of logic, I stripped down and began grilling a juicy steak. Barbecue grills are very hot metal objects, much like the molten balls of flaming gas that pop off sizzling meat. Between the heat of the beef, the BBQ and the blazing sun, my body became a roasted chunk of charred flesh.

I do not recommend BBQ-ing in the nude. I cannot endorse this act of culinary adventurism. The products of this unfortunate event were a perfectly browned tenderloin, a lobster red body, and one of the most awkward situations on a date.

My skin was beginning the annual post burn flaking process when my date asked if she could peel my skin off. I was startled, confused and shocked by her proposal and simply staring at her. She took this silence as the green light and eagerly began striping my body of its top layer of skin.

This is not socially acceptable.

I may have bizarre cravings for delicious meats and to have the tanned sun-kissed look, but peeling a person's skin on a first date is a desire that should never be shared or acted upon.

11 comments:

Bailey said...

This makes me weak. I hope that girl reads my comment and knows how disgusted I am with her.
Also, put some clothes on. Your poor neighbors know you for SOMETHING right now.

Heather & Dallan said...

Oh Lee....I'm not sure what to say about the naked BBQing, but I have to agree with the 1st date awkwardness. I'm guessing she might not make it to date #2? That's just odd! :)

Lissybug said...

LOL. Sometimes I have the hardest time believing the things you blog about actually happen to you. Yikes. That's gross, and I'm glad you learned your lesson about BBQ-ing sans clothing. That's just dangerous, my friend! :D

Roger said...

I hope that this girl was chastized for her inappropriate behavior. She doesn't sound like marriage material, Lee.

megan said...

Sick. I have a hard time with people with skin fetishes.

e.p. said...

you were right.
this is wonderful.
i enjoyed it thoroughly.

Matt and Jenni said...

EW. Bad date choice.

Sarahn, Cade, and Memphis said...

Oh yucky. YUCKY! Um...maybe you should consider NOT going on a second date. Skin peeling should only be done in private!!!

Laura Bassett said...

Lee, thank you for making my day with another disturbing, yet highly entertaining, installment of your blog. As always. :)

Sharrie LeFevre Nelson said...

Might I suggest a sunscreen of AT LEAST SPF 50. That's what the dermatologist told me to use in any of my outdoor adventures. Of course, it never occurred to me to sunbathe nude while grilling a tenderloin, but it did to you and that's what you got! Hope all is well with you otherwise. Don't give up on the girls. Surely someone's mother taught them that "skin picking" on the first date is conduct unbecoming to a young lady. I just know that somewhere in the world there is a girl just PERFECT for YOU!!! Keep on lookin', but add "sunburn peeling" to your list of deal breakers. Love ya!

Lee Cannon said...

I am so glad that you all enjoyed this entry! She will NOT be getting a call back after the bismal first encounter! And good news, the peeling is almost all gone!