Public Restrooms: Turd Terrorism

Public restrooms were created as a center for those seeking sanctuary from the pressures of their bowels. Dating back to the early Babylonian empire, public restrooms are an important piece of our hygiene history. Though they have relieved the heavy burdens of our bowels, public restrooms have never been given a great place of reverence in our society's heart. Dr. Bindeswar Pathak, Ph.D., D.Litt. presented the following explanation of poop's unpopular position at the International Symposium on Public Toilets held in Hong King, "Unlike body functions like dance, drama and songs, defecation is considered very lowly."

Thanks to Dr. Pathak, we now know that pooping, like dancing and singing, is an under appreciated talent. From the first few moments on the stage of life to our closing acts before the curtain falls, poop is a part of us. However, like any athletic activity, pooping requires skill and a life time of practice. The public restroom system, unfortunately, has become the practice field for pooping.

We have all rushed into a restroom with nothing but a prayer in our heart that an empty stall awaits us. But when we find that chance vacant porcelain throne, 9 out of 10 times, an amateur performer has previously plundered the purity of the potty. In essence, you cannot use the soiled, clogged or moist rimmed toilet without fear of getting a rare butt fungus.

I was feeling adventurous recently and, risking a communicable disease, I walked into a small public restroom located in the heart of the Beehive State. As I pushed through the loose hinged door, a picture was painted before my eyes that I will never forget. Balanced on the edge of the urinal sat a young boy, pooping. I was in shock. For a few seconds I stood, confused, before I burst into laughter.

My robust giggling may have caught the youngster off guard, but his perched pooping did more than catch me off guard, it left me searching for air. His dismount from the lofty urinal ledge was graceful beyond his years. This young boy defied the words of Dr. Brindeswar Pathak, Ph.D., D.Litt., when he brought defecation out of lowly obscurity and threw a funny finesse to fecal firing.