Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Middle Aged Mishaps

I don't know how they find me, but they do. The few and far between freaks find me. I am convinced that at some point I forgot to uncheck the little box of an online survey that allowed Nancy Pelosi and the DNC to distribute all my private information to the mentally ill, maniacs and middle aged women of America. Now, I enjoy a thrilling adventure as much as the next young business professional, but honestly, the barrage of bizarre busty beauties is taking its toll on my sanity. I offer three brief examples of this recent onslaught of the middle aged women mania.

The Date: I was innocently casual dating this woman who I thought to be in her late 20's. After our third outing I received a call from a girl who said, "Lee, I am getting engaged! And since you are seeing my mother, I thought I would ask you to sing at my reception!" Seeing your mother?! Thank you Middle Aged Woman #1, I have now acquired an age limit in all aspects of dating.

The Party: I was innocently attending a costume party over the holidays. Without warning a very large middle aged woman wearing cheetah print teetered over me. As her 400 pound frame collapsed upon me, I could not move. The crowded room could not hear my muffled screams for help. Thank you Middle Aged Woman #2, I have now acquired a fear of inflatable toys.

The Store: I was innocently shopping for nutrients the other day when an unsolicited middle aged woman approached me. She greeted me with a smile and said, "You look like Jude Law . . . only fatter." This is not socially acceptable. No one should be allowed to comment on complete stranger's excess body fat. Thank you Middle Aged Woman #3, I have now acquired an eating disorder.

I am fully prepared for a break in the middle aged mishaps. Please, if you see me being followed by a middle aged woman, no matter how friendly or innocent she may appear, scream bloody murder and tell me to RUN!

16 comments:

Pam said...

Too too funny!

Brittney&Nate said...

Liar! You KNEW she was 40!

The Falkers said...

LOLOL! You are hilarious! You do have a thing for older ladies - remember our brief marriage!?

J&K Poulson said...

HAHAHAHA!!!! I had to share this with a couple coworkers. You're a cougar and MILF attractor.

kym said...

Oh Lee I'm so sorry! It is pretty hilarious though

Lee Cannon said...

Pam: Danka!
Britt: I may have known ... :)
Michelle:I remember our brief marriage, it was filled with red and yellow and green and brown and...
Kristen: The wildlife loves me.
Kym: Can you just see my face?!

Tay Talk said...

BAHAHAHAHA! I like the first one best. I would have sat there, jaw on the floor.

Lee Cannon said...

Tay, I could have become a husband, father and GRANDFATHER in one day...

e.p. said...

I hope this phase is over, Lee. Fraternizing with these types of people are not socially acceptable for a fancy man like yourself. I would appreciate it if you would stop this foolishness.

Lissybug said...

Oh. Poor Lee. Was your costume an armchair, or something? I just don't understand why she would just sit on you like that. Rude! ;)

S & S Olson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
S & S Olson said...

boy where do you get your humor. I love it!

Ray Ban Sunglasses Sale said...

Just wonderful. Such an amazing day but the most important thing was the fact that it was so easy and comfortable to talk. Loved it. I feel I can't write a comment worthy of the day.

Lee Cannon said...

I have gone an entire week without any mishaps! I feel like I deserve a treat!

Judd and Heather said...

I love your blog! I always laugh out loud when I read it. (Yes the people at work think I am CRAZY sitting at my desk laughing..) Hope you're doing well!

Emily Burnworth said...

You need to date a 20 something with an old soul. Or get one of those sex doll things that Ryan Gosling has for a girlfriend in Lars and the Real Girl. (That could cure your fear of large inflatable toys at least.)