Middle Aged Mishaps

I don't know how they find me, but they do. The few and far between freaks find me. I am convinced that at some point I forgot to uncheck the little box of an online survey that allowed Nancy Pelosi and the DNC to distribute all my private information to the mentally ill, maniacs and middle aged women of America. Now, I enjoy a thrilling adventure as much as the next young business professional, but honestly, the barrage of bizarre busty beauties is taking its toll on my sanity. I offer three brief examples of this recent onslaught of the middle aged women mania.

The Date: I was innocently casual dating this woman who I thought to be in her late 20's. After our third outing I received a call from a girl who said, "Lee, I am getting engaged! And since you are seeing my mother, I thought I would ask you to sing at my reception!" Seeing your mother?! Thank you Middle Aged Woman #1, I have now acquired an age limit in all aspects of dating.

The Party: I was innocently attending a costume party over the holidays. Without warning a very large middle aged woman wearing cheetah print teetered over me. As her 400 pound frame collapsed upon me, I could not move. The crowded room could not hear my muffled screams for help. Thank you Middle Aged Woman #2, I have now acquired a fear of inflatable toys.

The Store: I was innocently shopping for nutrients the other day when an unsolicited middle aged woman approached me. She greeted me with a smile and said, "You look like Jude Law . . . only fatter." This is not socially acceptable. No one should be allowed to comment on complete stranger's excess body fat. Thank you Middle Aged Woman #3, I have now acquired an eating disorder.

I am fully prepared for a break in the middle aged mishaps. Please, if you see me being followed by a middle aged woman, no matter how friendly or innocent she may appear, scream bloody murder and tell me to RUN!