Friday, October 30, 2009

Walter and Pussyfoots

WARNING: The National Humane Society advises all cat lovers to leave this blog post immediately. The following feline encounter is rated PG-13 for Violence, Language and Teen Partying. Some material may be inappropriate for young children.

It was a cool autumn evening as the Buick rolled down 600 East, Logan, UT, 84322. The pressures of the day had vanished and the night was fast approaching. As I turned the grandma-esque steering wheel towards my driveway, a sickening buh-buh met my ears. It felt like someone had put a small speed bump in my driveway. I thought nothing of it until I got out of the car and saw Walter, my neighbor's cat, sprawled out like a kitty cat shaped pancake.

Not knowing what to do, I simply got a shovel and loaded poor Walt into my garbage can. It was a short ceremony, a few kind words were said and off I went with no intention of telling my neighbor of Walt's passing.

Days passed and it was time to go to the gym. While rubbing my eyes and yawning, I crept out of bed at 6:00 a.m. and warmed the Buick for another heroic voyage to the Nielson Fieldhouse. As I began backing up, I felt the ever too familiar buh and decided to check what I was running over. I opened my door to find the neighbor's other cat stuck underneath my tire, still flailing. Obviously in pain, I weighed my options and took the only moral route : I put the Buick into a back and forth motion to ensure the quick and painless passing of Pussyfoots.

Two days later, I received this flier:


My dear neighbor is missing her cats! What am I supposed to do!?

The solution that my mind has settled upon is to search the National Humane Society's website along with local animal shelters until I find at least one cat that closely resembles either Walter or Pussyfoots. So far my search has been in vain, but I am not opposed to dying a few hairs to get the results I need. I may be terrified to tell my neighbor how I decreased her population of tabbies, but I am not above a little creativity in reincarnation!

12 comments:

Brady said...

bahhahah! lee! what on earth are you going to do! you've got to tell them! just play dumb and say I ran over one of the cats but didn't know where it belonged until I recieved your flyer and then they'll hopefully just assume the other one died the same way :)

Roger said...

I hate cats. I think the more you take out with that beasty Buick the better! Plus, you shouldn't feel bad because they were on your property and clearly did not value their own lives. My neighbor's cat keeps pooping on my front porch... wanna come over for dinner?!?

Hannah said...

Oh dear. Lee, you must tell. I agree with Brady, just play dumb!

Ashley said...

This doesn't happen in real life. It only happens to Michael Scott.

Are you sure you're not the manager of a paper company in Scranton, PA?

Kayde Bug said...

Lee!!!! you killed two cats thats a straight ticket to hell dear.. totally kidding but Brady is right that is what you should do then get them one cat from the humane society just to make up for it. lol

Jesi said...

What to shatter someone's life Lee!

Matt and Jenni said...

I have to say that you acting this whole scenario out while sitting in the peaceful depths of TGI Friday's was SO much more hilarious!!! I'm so glad I experienced this story while in your presence. :)

Anonymous said...

I'm in shock!
pam

katrinanelson said...

You're such a creep.

Petra said...

I HATE Walter and Pussy foots, Sick! The world is better off!

T.Hirschi said...

HILARIOUS! I mean...ah, poor cats! I squashed a cat last night on the highway but at least I didn't know who it belonged to. I have no guilt! For all I know it was a stray. :)

Michelle & Dave said...

Ah I love this story...but mostly because I am indeed a cat hater. I came across this quote the other day that you will enjoy "Cats are intended to teach us not everything in nature has a purpose"