Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Excuse Me?

A trio of recent events can be categorized under the title: Excuse Me?

The first Excuse Me? is brought to you by my fleshy friend, Brenda. Brenda and I met in a tragic treadmill accident involving her passing out, flying off the belt, denting the wall and me hyperventilating due to laughter. The cementing of our friendship occurred when Brenda positioned herself behind me during a squatting exercise. A low grunt escaped her pursed lips as she looked at my rump and said, "Your bum makes me crave cinnamon rolls!"

How does one respond to such a carnal statement? Excuse Me?

A second Excuse Me? came onto the scene during a recent filming of a flash mob. I was dressed as an innocent janitor who was called in to clean up the popcorn that had been thrown by an angry couple. Erupting into song, I bellowed through my part as the unsuspecting patrons were confused and delighted. At the end of the number, the performers dispersed back into the crowd and I moved several tables over and began nonchalantly sweeping again. At this point a senior member of the softer sex waved at me and said, "Will you clean this crap up?" motioning to the disarray of Diet Coke, french fries and crumpled napkins. I stared at her blankly. Why in the world would I clean up her mess? Following my confused silence the second question came, "Do you speak English?"

How does one respond to such a racist statement? Excuse Me?

Lastly, the third Excuse Me? exploded onto the stage this very night. It is my pleasure to perform at a professional theater nestled between the freeway and low income housing developments. I have been plagued by fairly abusive bowel issues as of late and made a mad dash off stage, through the empty lobby of the theater and into the abandoned restroom in hopes to avoid any soiled skivvies. The bass release that occured was of epic earth moving proportion somewhere in the key of B minor. As I opened my eyes after the reverbaration had passed, I saw through the crack of the stall the owner of the theater standing at the sink washing his hands. His was a look of awe and horror.

How does one respond to such a startled look? Excuse Me?

12 comments:

kym said...

Haha your life is never boring is it? Love it! Thanks for sharing :)

e.p. said...

dang it i wasn't the first :(
your bum also makes me crave cinnamon rolls. or perhaps caramel rolls. either way, rolls. big, delicious rolls. just like your big, delicious bum.

coops said...

Well when I think of you,I do think of cinnamon rolls in a sense. you a sweet, full of good spice, warm and inviting on the inside and covered in white on the outside.... yeah that works. maybe not the first, but definitely the most descriptive.

Anonymous said...

Only a Lee Cannon can pull of such amazing stories of epic proportion. Simply said, "Lee you are the king of great stories."
YOU ROCK!!!! Keep working on that butt of yours and maybe one day Harry and Larry will say to you, "Look at the butt on that one."
"Yeah he must work out."
Posted by the amazing Steven Darais

Tressa said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I have no words for you Lee. But keep the posts coming!

Annie said...

You KILL me!!!

Anonymous said...

Please tell me that you are writing a book?! I want to be the first to buy it!

-vicci

Raluca said...

huh, haaard life!!!:))
You have a vivid writing:)

Lee Cannon said...

Raluca! Thanks for visiting lee (adj.) me! It is great to have a new friend on board! Feel free to always comment and give your feed back on the posts.

leelee

Sarahn, Cade, Memphis, and Dempsey said...

I am laughing so hard. Oh my lands.

Go Realla Street Couture said...

dope jacket!!
Cloud9

Heather & Dallan said...

Oh my crap....I am dying. You are hilarious!