Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Hunter's Education Meets Lee Cannon

April 4, 2009, marked a day in history never to be forgotten: Lee Cannon ventured his way into the realm of the hunter.

The massive head of a taxidermy bull moose stared at me as I passed through the doors. His glassy eyes followed my every move. An overwhelming sense of not belonging blanketed my body.

My purpose that day was to become hunter certified, my goal that day was to simply survive.

I was wearing a delicious argyle sweater with pin striped slacks as I entered the classroom to meet my fellow Hunter's Education classmates. Each of the nine fellows matched the man next to him: camouflage, a beard, a hat and the scent of deer urine on their boots. I must have missed the memo.

The written test seemed to be tailored to my extensive knowledge of hunting. Questions were asked such as: What is the most effective weapon to harvest an animal with: a) a butter knife b) a Lego pirate ship c) a rifle d) a bottle of Windex.

The jeers and fairly pointed jests made from my bearded peers in regards to my "prissy city boy" appearance seemed to escalate as we entered the shooting range. "Do you know how to shoot that thing?" questioned Melbourne, a stalky pot-bellied man. I replied by swinging the gun around and asking, "Kind of like this?" The quick movement sent everybody searching for cover.

Our targets hung, guns loaded, and safety goggles on, we began shooting. The constant trash talking around me would have shaken many, but I was focused on proving the Neanderthals wrong. I pulled the trigger 45 times and prayed that my shots would save me from a barrage of ridicule from my ever fashionable shooting buddies.

The pulleys began retracting our targets, my heart stood still. I needed 30 of my 45 shots to be within a certain section of the illustrated rabbit target. To my udder delight, 41 of my 45 shots decorated the bull's eye!

"Damn, I thought you was queer!" roared Roger, the massive gunman, as he tore the paper target out of my finger's grasp. "But you shoot real nice. I am gonna take you huntin' with me and we are puttin' your name in for a mule tag!" I tried to explain that I am much too loud and prone to singing to be taken hunting, but Roger, Melbourne, Ron and Bruce all agreed that I will be their future hunting buddy.

Please forgive me if I begin wearing camouflage or acquire the scent of a large game animal's bodily fluids on my shoes, I am simply trying to fit into my new crowd of friends.


Ms. Case said...

That's funny!

PS. I just noticed in your group of "followers" that you are indeed "following" yourself. Nice, real nice.

Ashley said...

Wow. De ugykivanom, hogy lathattam volna!

Celestyn H said...

HAHAHA! You can go hunting. You'll do the dogging! That is when you walk through the brush loudly to scare out all the deer. Better buy some orange argyle- Don't want to get SHOT!

Anonymous said...

Lee, this is hysterical---"udderly" hysterical! And I love Celestyn's suggestion of Orange Argyle!


Jac'n'Joe said...

You crack me up, Cannon!


Hannah said...

hahaha. love me a good LQTM while in an internet cafe. i particularily enjoyed the part "prone to singing" for I know it is true, and at that, I LOLed, drawing stares from my fellow internet cafe-ers

Heather & Dallan said...

hahaha! I can't picture you hunting Lee, but it sounds like you're a natural. You'd be the best dressed hunter on the mountain I'm sure. :)

Jayson and Kassi Madson said...

I'm so proud of you Lee! good work!

Matt and Jenni said...

Sorry, but I don't think I could forgive you if you started wearing camoflage and smelling of urine... I just can't do it!! But hey, way to go on your shots!
I'm pretty sure this is my favorite so far. :)

Anne of Green Barlows said...

As a city girl myself, I totally understand the "udder" amazement received from our redneck friends when we can do something hick-like whilst not smelling of urine. Nice job:)