Monday, April 13, 2009

Lost in the Bathroom

John Lackstrom

Height: 5'2
Hair Color: Bald
Age: 102 years old
Hobbies: Resembles a turtle

Welcome to History of Linguistics, the slowest most boring class to take the stage in my collegiate career. Meet John Lackstrom, an enchanting professor who chuckles at his own jokes without moving his lips.

This is the setting for my Monday afternoon. While suffocating through descriptions of phonetics and colloquialisms, my bladder suddenly awoke to a fairly arousing realization that, yes, I had to urinate.

It was an emergency. A flash flood was about to be realized within my trousers. I began my epic marathon to the nearest restroom, the third floor lavatory. Upon skidding into the tiled sanctuary of the weary hearted, I took the short cut and simply unzipped my zipper to fish out the appropriate appendage.

To my horror I could not find him. The convenient flap that protects said member of the body was no where to be found! I could not find an opening in my underwear. The urgency of my overflowing bladder was causing me to dance the familiar Celtic Piddle Dance.

All of this was superseded by the older gentleman waiting not so patiently behind me. His foul smell and encouraging clearing of his throat distracted me long enough to give up trying to find the elusive critter. I simply undid my entire package: belt, button and zipper. The river flowed free and life was good.

The problem that not even John Lackstrom could for see with all his knowledge of language families and Russian eggs was this: I not only had my underwear on inside out... I also had it on backwards!


Matt and Jenni said...

Haha, inside out AND backwards!!!?? hahahahaha! You are a special kind of unique, Lee. ;)

Hannah said...

Leesif, this is gross and disturbing. Your choice of nouns and adjectives is equal to the disturbance of a Quentin Tarantino film. I feel that brevity is key and the following could have done:

"I had to pee, it was an emergency. I almost wet myself because I failed to correctly dress myself. I struggle in life. The end."

But alas, I will admit that I did LQTM.