Friday, April 17, 2009

The Ugly Baby

A dear friend of mine recently gave birth to a baby. In many cultures this event is a cause for celebration and thanksgiving. Upon looking at the child, I decided that I never want to have children.

New born babies are butt ugly. The squished face of a newborn resembles a warped potatoe. There is nothing cute about pleated folds of flaming red skin and blood curdling screams. We may try to put decorative hats upon our newborns to disguise their unnaturally smeared faces, but the truth of the matter is: It is a miracle that any of us survived this ugly stage of life.

Poop. Babies poop. Cry. Babies cry. Babies cry while pooping. There is a placid yellow paint colored substance that can only be produced by an infant. This is something I never want to experience again. When babies wear diapers we think it is cute. I guarantee all those reading this, that when I begin wearing diapers again you will most definitely not think it is cute.

Therefore, I declare that if I see your baby and it is not cute I will not mask my feelings. The honest truth must be told. I will simply say, "Your child is so ... um ... how about I crotchet him a nice decorative hat?!"

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny blog! Whose baby brought this on?

Andrew, Haylee & Bryson said...

you are so cruel! I'm going to laugh when you have one of your own mark my word for it!

Ashley said...

Actually, brand new born poop isn't yellow at all. It's black, sticky, tar-like stuff called meconium and it's vile. Luckily it flushes out of their system after a few days.

Matt and Jenni said...

You just cursed yourself to have the ugliest babies of all...even if you marry a supermodel. And yes, you can count on me to point and laugh at YOU!! ;) hahahahaha!

Hannah said...

hahhhhahahaha. i concur, whole heartedly. it's true, newborn babies really are ugly. they all look like little old men, even the females. i actually saw one that looked like smeagol/gollum...it was frightening.

Martha said...

Ha ha! I have only ever seen a handfull of babies that are not ugly after being born.

Lissybug said...

Well, seriously! What did you expect? They were sitting in a pool of amnionic fluid for 9 months!

Anonymous said...

You said "where" instead of "wear." Nice.

Bryce Day said...

Yep, I have to agree with most of the others...you have just cursed yourself to having ugly babies...sad but true...

Heather & Dallan said...

hahaha! It's mostly true, but I'm sure the parents don't see the ugliness. I'm pretty sure i don't wanna show you my babies now.

Ms. Case said...

You kill me. If a baby is ugly, I just don't say it's cute. I comment on nothing. The end.

Lydja said...

So did you make the hat that baby is wearing in your picture? Because I want one of those with the pea pod on top. Cute!

Leigh Ann Norman said...

Lee Cannon!!!! I cannot believe you said such cruel things about newborn babies!!! I have held many a newborn baby in my arms, and they are all precious and miraculous whether they are a perfect baby or not! And I have living proof that they aren't all ugly cuz I can show you pictures of four absolutely beautiful newborn baby girls! Yes, I was their mother, but I had held taken care of a lot of newborn babies before I ever had one of my own! You just need to actually be a part of the whole experience of seeing a child come into this world, and I promise you that you will change your mind! Even if that baby isn't the most beautiful one ever to arrive on the planet! I tell you... I think you and I need to have one of those "come to Jesus" talks, (I think that's what you call them)! So, don't worry, I still love ya, but the nurse and the Mom in me just had to give my opinion on that one!!! How are you anyway? Having a fabulous time? And is it everything you thought it would be? Oh, and by the way, the CD is great! Thanks for bringing it by before you left! Hope you are well!!!

Melissa said...

You are funny. I can pretty much guarantee my friend will be reading your blog daily once I introduce it to her.
That being said...my family...including all the extended family, ALL have cute babies! We've been blessed apparently, because I have definitely seen babies that aren't so cute. In fact, after our son was born, we just assumed all babies were cute like he was, until we went to church, and realized that all the other babies...well...weren't so cute. I still remember one that we thought looked like a little orangatang baby, with the fuzzy electrified hair and everything...