Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Fat Pants

It is my social duty as a public servant to write this posting. The FDA (Federal Drug Administration) would have me write this as a warning on the label of all pants: jeans, slacks, running pants, sweats, etc. "Do not wear fat pants."


Fat Pants. Call it a fashion fiasco. Call it a social suicide. I call it a disease. The indecency of fat pants includes inflicting pain upon the eyes of society by wedging overly large bodies into pants that would only fit on 6 inch tall Barbie figurines.


In fact, many leading doctors in the United States and Sweden have diagnosed individuals with what is called TPS. TPS, Tight Pants Syndrome, is a leading cause of poor circulation, low sperm counts, allergic reactions to leather and an increase in public vomiting. Dr. Patrick Agyu, a noted Hungarian obstetrician and gynecologist, was recently quoted stating, "When pants are worn too tightly and the lower back is pushed upward in an uncomfortably awkward position, fat pants is my diagnosis."


There you have it, a professional's medical opinion. When you feel your butt creeping up your back, it is time to change your pants. Please check all of your current articles of clothing to ensure that you do not have the FDA recalled, fatal labelled pants known as: FAT PANTS.

19 comments:

Hannah said...

Leelee. Your posts bring me joy. Miss you.

meg said...

I've been waiting for this post for a while. It was well worth the wait. Awesome, Lee. Awesome.

Matt and Jenni said...

That picture is seriously nasty. Ew. If, for some reason, this ever happens to me, you have my permission to publicly flog me.

Lyns and kids said...

I very much enjoy reading your blog Lee! It brings happiness to my day.

Ashley said...

This specific disorder is also referred to as a "muffin top" and in my humble opinion, it is one of the most unfortunate unnecessary maladies plaguing society today.

Buy pants that fit people!

Bryce said...

Oh my...are you making a statement about my pants...are you huh?!?!?! are you?!?!?!? HUH?!?!?!?!?!?

Celestyn H said...

ew. I hate fat pants. I think people that wear them have reversed anorexia. They look in the mirror and think they are skinny when they really aren't.
Another brilliant blog from Lee Patrick Cannon.

Martha said...

Amen!

Blair Karren said...

I was doing great until I saw the picture... the picture is so nasty!!! I just threw up a little in my mouth!

Andrea said...

Yeah, it's sick when there's a spare ghetto booty hanging over the top of the ghetto booty.
But I did enjoy the post very much!

Allison Williams said...

Lee the picture is SICK!!! I like this post :) My mom says she sees you at the theatre, your going to play the beast, I wish I could come see it but no babies allowed :( Don't give my little cousins nightmares ok!

Christina Smith said...

Lee, this truly makes my day. Fat Pants: a definite epidemic in which I have formerly participated. Just because you can squeeze something into a small space does not mean you should. I'm actually writing a piece that might interest you on my first hand experiment with skinny jeans. I will post it on my blog when its done.

Anonymous said...

Why in the world have I never read this blog before? I am an avid blogger and have blogged for almost 3 years now. This is a piece of work. Art.

Jamie said...

Lee I love this blog it made my day today! I havent laughed so much for a long time but seriously that picture is disturbing. Miss you tonz. OH!! what is this play that you are in I would love to come it. When, where, what time, and cost ?????

Haylee said...

It is "muffin top" Lee and it is SICK! I will never understand bigger human beings who are so dang determined to fit into the smallest size pants possible, that they would put there bodies into such discomfort. It is truly sick and makes me uncomfortable just to look upon it!

Ms. Case said...

Well said and I'm good to go. I don't suffer from such things :) May all women around the world become educated on this? PLEASE LORD!


PS I just remembered you had called yesterday about V-Day. I would really like to say I have plans...still thinking that I might, but not sure. I'll just have to let you know tonight or tomorrow if something comes up...sorta dating someone, sorta don't know if he'll ask me out for Saturday...ya know. OK BYE!

StephanieRose said...

First I guess becuase you are my Valentine I will refrain from wearing those pants in that picture on Saturday. and 2nd- will you please change the link on your blog to my new blog? ok thanks. Oh and did you see Taylee's comment? Great. Love you.

Heather & Dallan said...

Hey Lee! No we are blogger friends too! Amen to the post! Love it and want you to know that I will definitely be aware of this. Won't happen here! :)

Deanna said...

not to mention when fat pants are combined with thongs, now that is wrong! Then again, the opposite is true, don't buy pants that are way too big. You get a lot of people with crack there too. remember the old days when it was cool to have your boxers hang out? maybe it's the latest fashion. I agree with Celestyn.