Sunday, February 8, 2009

Jeremiah 4:19

Religion has brought about great things. Faith, hope, charity and the Crusades: The mainstays of religion. Today religion proved once again to motivate my emotions and change my life.


As I sat upon a padded chair pondering the great questions of life, I noticed a young couple sitting in front of me. Obviously infatuated with each other, the two giggled, cuddled and caressed the entire meeting.


The physical attention grew increasingly distracting and the young lady leaned forward in her seat. At that particular moment, straining her body in a forward motion, a rather large release of pressure occurred. The release was located near the south end of her body. It was not a petite fluff, nor was it a manly exhaust, but a clearly audible trumpeting toot.


A second eruption then pillaged the back row of the chapel, my uncontrollable laughter. Though silent, the rhythmic pulsing of my laughter caused me to bounce in a hyperventilating state for several minutes.


Having turned the color of a raspberry, I noticed the young couple had begun writing notes to each other. I quickly glanced over Spenc... I mean the young man's shoulder to read the note. It read as follows:


Man: This will go down in history as the most awkward Sacrament meeting ever.

Woman: Why? Because you think my farts are cute?


This set off my second volley of diaphramatic pain. A scripture quickly came to my head. I felt the need to share this Old Testament passage with the young lady who had fouled the air with her unexpected contribution of pollution. Writing upon a scrap of parchment from the ever lovely program, I shared with her Jeremiah 4:19, the scripture that changed my life:


"My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war."


This woman maketh a noise, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war. After depositing the note into the purse located to the left of the young man, I gained composure. My good deed for the day had been done. I was at peace once more, until I saw her rummage through a second purse on her right. The message of comfort had been planted in the wrong bag!


With the reaction speed of an awkward deacon, I quickly made an identical note. Waiting until the final prayer, I leaded forward to slip the newly forged note into the correct hand bag. As my hand entered the bag I glanced up to confirm the closure of her eye lids. I found a pair of very not closed, very open eyes. Uninhibited, I stowed the note and joined the prayer with a giggle.


Experiences such as this change lives. Religion changes lives. Jeremiah 4:19 has changed my life. I hope that both notes that were strategically placed today change lives. Anybody up for a crusade?

11 comments:

B-rizzle said...

Hahahahahahahahaha! Best sacrament meeting story...EVER! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! I seriously wish that I actually seen the entire experience instead of hearing about it immediately afterward...because, man, it sounds hilarious. Remember when you passed me a note during Sunday school, referring to that passage, but had the wrong numbers written down...and it talked about how we were no longer friends...harsh. And then you ask me to read this and act like all is hunky-dorey...I don't know what to do with myself.

B-rizzle said...

Remember how it is blatantly obvious that I spent 2 years in the South..."I actually seen"...and I can't go back and erase it now...and I always want to push the handicap button by the "Word verification" box when i comment on your blogs...and I try to unscramble the letters in the "word verification" picture...this time "acksm" spells smack, macks, sack, sac, mac, cams, cam, ask, mask and cask...just thought you'd like to know that...

Jordan said...

I have just discovered your blog and realized that I need to stop by here more often...you are one kulonleges ember my friend. Hianyzol, nagyon!

Hannah said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. My roommate thinks I'm a freak for laughing so hard to myself! This is the BEST sacrament story ever. My life is now changed. Forever. I'm so glad I have you to brings me joyous moments such as these.

Mandee Shaffer said...

Oh my gosh. OH MY GOSH! THAT IS SO EFFING HALARIOUS! I was laughing so hard reading this I could barely breathe! OH MY GOSH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Thank you for sharing.

Celestyn H said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I will be printing this blog off and storing it with my keepsakes. It will be a reminder of the most hysterical sacrament meeting ever. Not to mention the lingerie and zit popping also occurred. So glad I could share this experience with you, and that I was not the trumpeter.

Lyndsay O said...

You have made my day Lee! This was the best story ever. I don't think that I have ever experienced this myself because I didn't think that people let themselves loose like that in sacrament. Ha Ha! This was great.

Ashley said...

lol Ohhhhh, that's just precious. You've just made my Sunday. Kosz.

Anonymous said...

Okay... now I understand more why you could not hold your emotion during "A Poor Way Faring Man of Grief." Thank you for the explanation. I will never read that passage another way.

jill said...

Oh lee this is why we keep you around. fantastic!!

Megan Sincennes Finney said...

Reminds me of "The testimony Story" when we first met. Always makes me laugh. You are my hero! Miss you.