Friday, February 13, 2009

The Most Influential Pigeon In My Life

Pigeons. Webster's Dictionary has the following definition for the pigeon: (n) flying international pest of the most evil type, known for rapid fire pooping. On an ecclesiastical adventure to Hungary, I came into contact with many of these predators. The following memory comes to us from my journal.

Sept. 17: It all began on Monday when the person next to me was pooped on by a pigeon. A little chunk splashed from off her hair and hit my shoulder. I had a terrible feeling that I was next.

I looked up just in time to see a rather plump pigeon deliver a deposit over the ledge directly above my head. I did what any sensible person would do: I calmly screamed bloody murder and ran away. Luckily, many years of practicing similar reactions saved my white shirt from spoilage.

My sudden vocal eruption and physical spazing caused many of the passerbyers to become onlookers. This was their fatal mistake! The pigeons took aim and acting as one deadly body fired at five old men who were laughing at me. Their joyful teasing was replaced by hoots of disgust as their bodies were pelted by pigeon poop.

On Wednesday, I stepped out onto my balcony to clip my fingernails in the mist of the morning. I looked over the enchanting inner court yard of my apartment and began the clipping process. I then noticed a large flock of pigeons gazing at me from the roof of the building across the way. To my utter horror and dismay they took flight and headed in my direction. I still had a whole hand of unclipped nails left, I clipped faster!

The pigeons saw the panic in my eyes and increased the speed of their attack. My fingers flew over the uncut nails as the sound of their winged devilry hit my ears. I did not think that I could escape their wrath, my time had come. The tiled balcony was completely smothered one second later as the pigeons reached their target. Of course I slipped inside and defied the raunchy birds once again from defecating on me.

I felt that the sudden attraction that pigeons possessed for me was wearing off after a two day cease fire. Oh how I was wrong! I was waiting in line for an ice cream cone when, without even the warning of fluttering wings, a 6-inch streak of white, black and green bird blah cascaded down the back of my hair.

Identifying the pigeon as a common grey foul, I followed him with my eyes for the next five minutes abandoning my desire for ice cream. When the criminal finally landed on the ground I stealthily approached from behind.

In a moment of brilliance, I made a swift appointment with the bird and my foot. In an equally quick manner I found out that pigeons are "protected wildlife" in Hungary. The police have a special unit of officers, whom it was my pleasure to meet, that patrol the streets to ensure the pigeons' safety.

After paying a several thousand Forint fine for not respecting the most influential pigeon in my life, I contemplated the story of the Three Little Pigs. I felt much like the Big Bad Wolf in the book he wrote about what really happened with those little porkers. But fear not, that pigeon will always remember that the score is tied...
Pigeon: 1 Lee:1

34 comments:

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Who are you? Nobody has your life?!
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Celestyn H said...

I remember hearing this story before. It was on of the many occasions that you tell your poop stories. Though not as funny as the dog one, it is still comical and entertaining.

Hannah said...

AHAHAHA. Ok, I do remember hearing this story, actually. And like Celestyn, it was my privilege to hear the dog one; a story of equal brilliance and hilarity. Come to England, we will wreak havoc upon the pigeons strut about as if they feel they are humans. Miss your face.

Anonymous said...

Ah, now I understand. Birds don't like Lee! Now it makes sense!

--Pam--

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Anonymous said...

I am not a huge fan of pigeons myself. When did you serve your mission?

-Kyle

Matt and Jenni said...

That is a fabulous story!! Who makes pigeons "protected wildlife" anyway? How lame...and you had to pay a fine!!haha! I totally wish I could have been there to see you stalk the pigeon, abuse it, and then be punished by the special Pigeon SS...so awesome. Matt hates pigeons with a fiery passion as well. Every time he sees one, he yells, "PIGEON!! KILL IT!! STEP ON IT!!", so he would be very pleased with this story. :)

Heather & Dallan said...

Hahaha Oh Lee, yours is my new favorite blog. You are so entertaining. That is the best story, and I also wish I could have seen you kick the crap out of that pigeon! Love it!

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