Jeremiah 4:19

Religion has brought about great things. Faith, hope, charity and the Crusades: The mainstays of religion. Today religion proved once again to motivate my emotions and change my life.


As I sat upon a padded chair pondering the great questions of life, I noticed a young couple sitting in front of me. Obviously infatuated with each other, the two giggled, cuddled and caressed the entire meeting.


The physical attention grew increasingly distracting and the young lady leaned forward in her seat. At that particular moment, straining her body in a forward motion, a rather large release of pressure occurred. The release was located near the south end of her body. It was not a petite fluff, nor was it a manly exhaust, but a clearly audible trumpeting toot.


A second eruption then pillaged the back row of the chapel, my uncontrollable laughter. Though silent, the rhythmic pulsing of my laughter caused me to bounce in a hyperventilating state for several minutes.


Having turned the color of a raspberry, I noticed the young couple had begun writing notes to each other. I quickly glanced over Spenc... I mean the young man's shoulder to read the note. It read as follows:


Man: This will go down in history as the most awkward Sacrament meeting ever.

Woman: Why? Because you think my farts are cute?


This set off my second volley of diaphramatic pain. A scripture quickly came to my head. I felt the need to share this Old Testament passage with the young lady who had fouled the air with her unexpected contribution of pollution. Writing upon a scrap of parchment from the ever lovely program, I shared with her Jeremiah 4:19, the scripture that changed my life:


"My bowels, my bowels! I am pained at my very heart; my heart maketh a noise in me; I cannot hold my peace, because thou hast heard, O my soul, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war."


This woman maketh a noise, the sound of the trumpet, the alarm of war. After depositing the note into the purse located to the left of the young man, I gained composure. My good deed for the day had been done. I was at peace once more, until I saw her rummage through a second purse on her right. The message of comfort had been planted in the wrong bag!


With the reaction speed of an awkward deacon, I quickly made an identical note. Waiting until the final prayer, I leaded forward to slip the newly forged note into the correct hand bag. As my hand entered the bag I glanced up to confirm the closure of her eye lids. I found a pair of very not closed, very open eyes. Uninhibited, I stowed the note and joined the prayer with a giggle.


Experiences such as this change lives. Religion changes lives. Jeremiah 4:19 has changed my life. I hope that both notes that were strategically placed today change lives. Anybody up for a crusade?